the beginning

I've been thinking about my life and the struggles that i have and at the same time i look at how good i have it. it has made me want to get it all down in writing and figure out how to make the good even better and to eliminate the bad. there are things about myself i'd like to change, but up to this point have been unable. this is my venue and this is my place for the most complete honesty i can find and the most unshielded i've probably ever let myself be. as a mom, i've seen things about my own life that i probably would not have otherwise seen. i recognize the roots of some of my struggles in the things that my parents did. i also see that they weren't intentional and are forgivable, but would at this point, now knowing what i know, be unforgivable in me as a parent. i've decided that the one thing our children need (once you get past the very essentials of food, shelter and warmth) is love and acceptance (which is, in fact two things, closely tied and inseparable). For me, when i finally am able to go back and look at things as though through another's eyes, i finally see what i've not been seeing all of these years. i came into this world a tomboy, i have no doubt about it. there is a chance that having 3 older brothers made that characteristic even more pronounced than it would have already been, but i'm fairly certain that that was in my genes. i see now that a child can be destroyed very early and very quickly by the very people that are supposed to love that child. and the destruction doesn't come from beatings or even being told unkind things. this destruction that i'm speaking of comes from a fundamental rejection of a person's essence, of the very being of that person as something unwanted and aberrant. there was early on in my life an obvious (so obvious in fact that it took me 33 years to see it) rejection of parts of my personality. specifically, those parts of my personality that would have been appropriate had I been born a boy. interestingly, i was not born a boy, i just wanted to do every single thing that boys want to do and wanted absolutely nothing to do with the things girls want to do. for some reason, that i may never understand, the person most responsible for my feeling love and acceptance was the very source of my rejection. In no way do i say that that rejection was intentional or even conscious, nevertheless that rejection encapsulated my feelings for myself and drove them into a place from which i am still climbing. My mom had three boys. She was so amazed to have a girl that when i was born and she was told the gender, she replied, "a what?". How disappointing to have your long-awaited girl end up acting just like your boys. thankfully, not long after, a much girlier girl came along and solved the need for a daughter. i was an unknown, what do you do with a girl that acts like a boy. well, now that i've lived through this, my answer would be "love her just the way she is" however that's not exaclty how it played out in my life. i'm not sure how to define the feelings that existed for me, because they are not mine, but i know how i ended up feeling. i have 3 big brothers ( and i mean big, especially compared to me when i was a little girl.) all i wanted in life was to do what they did and be with them, to the point that i would have done anything to make that happen. the one real problem with that was that the rejection that came from my mom ended up carrying over to my brothers and so their rejection was justified. it was okay to beat me up for wearing their clothes, because that was something that i was unequivocally forbidden from doing. (something i let my little girl do whenever she wants...go figure). i've been told that when my brothers planned their day each and every day of our childhood, their first order of business was to work into that plan the best way to exclude me.. yeah, that was hard to hear. when i finally started to really look at this and understand why i'm the way i am, i got pretty angry. i realized that instead of being pummeled both physically and emotionally every day of my life, i could have been loved and protected. instead of being rejected, i could have been included. i now know this is true, because my girly little sister ( i mean that in a nice way) was protected. if a hand was laid on her, it was practically a death sentence. why, then, was it not that way for me? i was not my mom's little girl. i should have been, but i wasn't and she didn't know what to do with what i was. this has carried over so completely that i still will rarely shop for myself, not because i hate shopping, but because i hate thinking about how not like a woman i feel when i'm shopping. how my insecurity is so deep that a make-up counter attendant had to match my color with my neck because i couldn't stop blushing. i'm now beginning to understand how long it takes to heal. it doesn't matter what you give your kids, what you feed them, what you clothe them in, what you read to them...all that matters is that you love them for EXACTLY who they are, even if what they are is something you don't understand. There was never a day of feeling pretty or cute, feeling like anything but the ugly friend. it's crazy how much of what we are is decided even before we have a say. no wonder our lives are spent trying to recover from our childhood. i know there are some that come out of childhood happy and healthy, i hope my kids will be able to count themselves in with that group.

Therefore God gave unto them commandments...

after having made known unto them the plan of redemption (Alma 32:12). I've always found this passage interesting because it is so different from how we generally teach the gospel and the commandments to our children. If God allowed us to know the plan of redemption before giving us commandments, hasn't He then established a pattern for us to follow with our own children? If a child is old enough to understand that he should do or not do certain things, then is he not also old enough to be given a reason? When a person understands the why, it is so much easier for him to accept the thing being taught. Yet, often, we teach the rules and the commandments long before we teach the why, which is the joy that comes from living the gospel of Jesus Christ. If we teach our children by constantly keeping the things we are teaching in the context of the plan of salvation, then the commandments we teach them to live will not seem arbitrary, but as Joseph Smith taught, "God has designed our happiness. He never will institute an ordinance or give a commandment to His people that is not calculated in its nature to promote that happiness which He has designed” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith). If we truly believe this statement, we will teach our children to find the ways that each commandment can bring them happiness. This will allow them to gain their own testimony of the commandments. It is not enough to just have a testimony of the Church, that is too vague and broad. We each need to discover for ourselves a firm belief or knowledge in each of the things we espouse to believe starting with the existence and love of God the Father, continuing to the Atonement of Jesus Christ and its impact on our lives personally all the way through an understanding of each and every commandment. I believe that the full measure of happiness offered in conjunction with each commandment cannot be attained without an understanding and assurance of the divinity of that commandment. God has designed our happiness, and yet we often find ourselves unhappy. Interestingly, that unhappiness is rarely a reaction to the external hardships we face, but rather the internal conflicts that come from not understanding our place in God's plan or the place for God's plan in our lives.

I'd like to bear my testimony...

Have you ever been to a fast and testimony meeting and listened to it as if you had never been to our church before?  The first thing that strikes me, when I do this, is the phrase that almost all children say. They could be anywhere from 2-20 years old and most of the time their testimony begins with, "i'd like to bear my testimony, i know the church is true".  Now, i've noticed that you rarely hear adults begin their testimonies this way.  Why do we continue to insist that our children utter these magic testimony words?  How can they, at 3, "know the church is true"? Many people at 30 are still trying to figure that out for sure.  I understand the faith of a child and that they have an innocence and understanding that many of us lose as we work our way into adulthood.  At the same time, when said by every single child and prompted by every parent, it sounds very rote and almost ritualistic.  A testimony is still a testimony without these words as its precursor.  I love to see and hear children bear their testimonies and share their feelings and experiences.  I feel like the repetition of this phrase cheapens it and makes it feel like something that you just say, without feeling and without thought. Unfortunately, it feels much like the close of a testimony, "in the name of Jesus Christ, amen." When we invoke the name of the Savior at the end of our testimonies, we are inviting His stamp of approval on the things we've said.  However, often times we rush through "inthenameaJesusChristamen". It feels like we sometimes put the same amount of thought and feeling into the beginning and the end of our testimonies...that is- very little or no thought and feeling.  I think as parents, we can do more for our children by talking about how Christ is influencing their lives than teaching them to repeat the words "i'd like to bear my testimony, i know this church is true".  They need to understand what a testimony is and that it centers around Christ and the truly important aspects of the gospel.  Also, teaching them to respect the name of the Savior when they close their testimonies and their prayers, and to think about Him as they say His name.  I think when the church sends out letters about children's participation in testimony meeting, it is simply to eliminate rote, memorized words that everyone repeats, without thought or feeling.  When children stand and share their feelings, the things that are happening to them, it brings the influence of the Spirit in a powerful way.

The Law of Moses vs. The Two Great Commandments

What's easier to live? I have no idea how most people would answer that question. It would depend a lot on the type of person you are. Are you a list-maker? Do you like to quantify success? We in the church, by nature of all of the things we can/can't or should/shouldn't do can easily begin to look at life in the context of the law of moses. We talk about the 613 mitzvot (commandments that are binding on Jews) and sometimes I believe we look at life with a similar quantification about right and wrong. Why do we need all of the rules we have? Christ gave us two: to love God and to love one's neighbor. It seems so much easier to follow that dogma than the law of Moses, and yet, is it easier? Well, for a lot of people that would depend on how you define neighbor. If by neighbor you mean just the people that make you comfortable, then yes that might be easier. But...if by that you use Christ's broader definition as laid out in the parable of the Good Samaritan, then it might be a little tougher. For many people, the checklist brings more comfort and satisfaction than loving people that make us uncomfortable. If I can go through my week doing all of the things that I should, at the same time avoiding all the things i'm supposed to avoid, i can look at that week, breathe a sigh of relief, disregard the atonement (because i've done everything "right") and go on to the next week. What's the problem with that? Well, it depends on our "why". Christ condemned the pharisees and sadducees for following the law of moses hypocritically, "only to be seen". In today's lingo we would call it doing it for the sake of one's image. If our image is our reason, then we "have our reward". We walk a sad road when our true meaning in life comes in following a checklist of guidelines, because of what it would look like to others if we didn't. The gospel of Jesus Christ was designed to bring joy, and if we live it by following the two great commandments, then we will find that joy.

Taking care of me

There are so many ways to neglect yourself. The neglect can be in time not spent caring for oneself. It can be in thought spent worrying about what other people think about us. Or, we often times horribly abuse ourselves becoming emotionally involved in the problems of others, especially problems upon which we can not possibly have any influence. We are very easy to abuse, because self-abuse comes so naturally. When we spend all of our time caring for others (as Christ-like as that sounds) and leave ourselves empty we are actually not following Christ's example. He gave us the model of taking time for Himself. He spent time in the wilderness in communion with the Father, He spent time with people He enjoyed (even when the Pharisees criticized Him for His choice of company). What is our wilderness, where do we fill up? We each need to find that place that is for us. It may be different for every person. I have a few places in the wilderness. Girls' night with my sisters, anytime I can play volleyball and reading a good novel are probably the ones that do the most for me. I believe that in the Lord's admonition in Matthew 25 to serve, he includes us. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these..." I am the least of these and when I serve myself, when I take care of myself, when I acknowledge that I have feelings, when I understand that I have worth, then I have done the same to my Savior. We must keep ourselves safe from the people that would cause us worry, guilt and shame. Many discussions have occurred in my family centering around the idea of codependency (with its variety of definitions and explanations). The two aspects of codependency of which I have to be the most aware are: letting myself be affected by what other people think and by what other people do. In the church, it is so easy to care what other people think and to compare and to self-criticize. There's no need, the opinions of the people around us really don't matter. What matters is our opinion of ourself. It's a difficult thing to look oneself in the eye and recognize and be able to vocalize things that are good. Most people could easily come up with many of their own faults, but be hard-pressed to think of good qualities and be willing to share them aloud. Involving the other type of codependence I mentioned, people can lay their problems on us, because we let them. when someone shares a problem, our responsibility lies in the sympathy/empathy realm and not solving/internalizing. I can't control what anyone else does (sadly enough, not even my 3-year-old), so why fill my soul with the burden of other people's choices? Looking out for myself first and foremost by maintaining emotional health may to some sound selfish, but therein lies the only way to truly serve others with all of our heart, because it is a whole heart.

Porn

Let's face it, as much as this topic is taboo, it's definitely an issue that needs to be discussed. I think it is such a big issue because it's so taboo. What if a teenage boy, instead of hearing "it's horrible, awful, gross, don't go near it", he heard, "it's totally natural as a teenage boy to want to look at naked girls, here's why that's not such a good idea". Don't you think the results would be very different? i've asked a number of bishops what percentage of active males struggle with pornography and have heard numbers anywhere from 40-70%. Obviously, there's a problem. Is it a problem because it's made out to be such a problem? Does the depth of the taboo make it so that no one can talk about it and no one can get help? Yes, of course it does. A person couldn't stand up and say, "you know, i struggle sometimes with pornography". Why does our society (in the church) disallow that? Open and honest would help so many people not only feel normal (rather than dirty and gross), but like they can learn to change and avoid it, because they're hearing from others that have done the same. Obviously, it would be extremely difficult to have a husband who couldn't help but look at other women naked... i do know that i want my husband to talk to my son so that he can understand the consequences (especially in relationships) and have an honest conversation about how he's going to live his life (so that his wife doesn't have the husband that can't help but look at other naked women.) We would really help ourselves and each other if we recognized and acknowledged a man's natural tendency toward sex and things related. Some might say that I'm condoning the behavior and actually i'm doing the exact opposite, i'm trying to help people avoid the behavior by having enough understanding and self worth to get help if they need it and avoid it altogether when they can (because it can really damage relationships). I do believe that all of the negative consequences that are discussed about pornography do in fact happen: broken homes, failed marriages, infidelity, etc. However, it may become that extreme because there isn't enough honest conversation...or enough conversation, especially with children to help them understand why things are the way they are. For example, (i digress), wouldn't it make a difference in young women's, when we teach about modesty, to tell the girls that when they dress immodestly they can cause boys to have a natural reaction in their body that they can't control? (maybe erection is strong language for young women's). That would be news to almost every girl i know and they would think twice about what they wore. So, open and honest up front is the ounce of prevention that would be worth so much when compared to the pound of trying to cure a porn addiction.

Making a place for homosexuals at church

According to our church, "Merely having inclinations does not disqualify one for any aspect of Church participation or membership" (lds.org). Is that how we as members of the church see it? Would we welcome someone with open arms who is openly gay, but celibate? Would we be okay with that person holding a calling in the Young Women's or Young Men's organization? Would we be okay with that person teaching our 6-year-old in Primary? We should. As of right now, in the typical ward in the church, this person would not be accepted or integrated into the ward. We (most of us), as members of the church, have too many preconceived notions about anyone who feels same-sex attraction. We just look at what we think we know of their lifestyle and judge them to be something terrible. Why wouldn't we want a homosexual who is faithful to the commandments to teach our youth? Is it because we think that all people with who are gay (particularly men) are pedophiles? Will their feelings "rub off"? Are we afraid that they will tarnish our child? I would love to see the day when a person could come to any ward in the church (especially the inter-mountain West ie. Utah or Arizona) and be able to say, "i'm gay, but i want to worship with you and practice this religion as you do" and be welcomed and embraced and loved. I know that there are places where that would happen and many members of the church would say right now that that would be their reaction, given the opportunity. Unfortunately, i don't think that's how it is in most places. think to yourself, how many gay people are in my ward? for most, it would be none...or at least none that we know about. that's the distinction i'm looking for, to be able to be open about one's feelings. i would imagine that in most wards (whether active or on the rosters), there are people with same-sex attraction. why can't they share that struggle (feeling those feelings and deciding to live not acting on those feelings) with all of us? because the idea of same-sex attraction makes most of us extremely nervous. why? obviously, i'm not talking about everyone in the church and you're probably sitting, reading this, and saying to yourself, "i'm not like that, i would just love". If that were the case universally in the church, then we would have people in most wards who could say who they are and what they feel and still be a part of the ward, participating in every aspect. We don't see that. if someone is gay and comes to church, they feel like they must hide how they feel. many don't come at all, because they know how that would be viewed, how they would be treated. This is the gospel of Jesus Christ, which teaches us to love all men, He did. The people struggling along this path are just as precious to our Heavenly Father as you are...they need to be treated that way. there is nothing to be afraid of. we need to love all of God's children, and we need to be able to be honest about our struggles. We all have them. wouldn't it be nice to go to church and look around and know that these people around us are not all perfect...they're just like you, trying to do what's right? that is the point of the gospel of Jesus Christ, to give us as imperfect beings the chance to be what the Lord knows we are capable of being. we need to give that same chance to everyone else.

When those we love leave

Most Mormons, sooner or later, have someone they care about leave the church. You would think they died, and maybe to some Mormons it seems like it would be better if they had. Why can't we love the way God loves-unconditionally? Why do we teach agency and then shun those that exercise it in a way that we oppose? Why must we insist that they can't possibly be happy? How do we know? There are people that, for whatever reason, don't find happiness as members of this church. And it's likely that it's not because they have unresolved sin (the number one reason active mormons will give for people leaving the church). They have as much right to leave as we have to stay. The overwhelming emotion I've seen expressed by those staying in the church,regarding those who are leaving, is sadness. Why can't we be happy for someone's attempt to find peace and happiness? People don't leave the church to ruin their lives, i believe many do it to make them better, to find something they weren't able to find as active members of the church. Have we ever stopped to think that this decision may have been painful and gut-wrenching? Do we think that people make this decision flippantly overnight? Not likely. They have probably been thinking about it for a while, worrying what we would say and finely decided to put themselves first (an important thing to do) and just do it. Wouldn't it be better for us, instead of talking about how hurt, sad, concerned for their soul we are, to ask them how they are coping with the decision and express sympathy for the process? Next time we have someone we love leave, let's try to show them the love the Savior would show.

Too busy

It's so easy to be a busy mormon. All you have to do is live like a run-of-the-mill active mormon and you've pretty much got it. That in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's when the "church stuff" takes up all your time and there's no time left for the spiritual stuff that really matters. You could run around all day doing church stuff, feeling very righteous and not be doing anything to grow spiritually, not having any lasting, meaningful impact on your own salvation. The problem with that is that you might not even realize that's what is happening. The greatest culprit is a calling...you could spend so much time fulfilling a calling that you don't do anything meaningful for your own personal relationship with God and you don't take the time needed for your family. I decided when i got called to work in young women's that my goal would be to spend as little time as possible. That may sound horrible to some, but i have a husband and children that need as much time as i can give them. The same goes for a lot of the things we do in church. Those things that people expect, but are non-essential. (as long as i'm going to young women's activities once a week, i put enrichment in that category). i don't want to be away from my family. Too many times, i've seen the damage that can be done when church responsibilities take us away more than they should. We have a responsibility to fulfill a calling that we have accepted, but we have a bigger responsibility to ourselves, our spouse and our kids. It's easy to believe that you are living a righteous life just because you are very busy with church stuff.

Guilt

Why is it that depression rates are higher in Utah than any other state? Why is it that we who profess to have the most access to a life of happiness, live unhappily and unfulfilled and depressed? Why is it that a person can do everything they're "supposed to" and still not find peace? I would say the number one reason is guilt. It is never feeling like we've done enough, because there's always more to do. We could always read more, pray more, go to the temple more, give more of our time, do more compassionate service, visit teach more, home teach more, say more in class, read the lessons more, have family home evening more...There is built-in institutional guilt. It is the motivator used by many leaders to get us to do the "right thing". Why not follow Christ's example and use love instead? Why do leaders think that the best way to get us to visit teach or home teach is to guilt us into it and make us feel like we are single-handedly responsible for another person's eventual destination to be hell. Why not just love us and credit us with the things we are able to accomplish? We've all seen the lists of what a Mormon woman is "supposed" to do. I, for one can't sew and rarely bake. Will this keep me from achieving what i want to with my life? That's the other thing that can keep us from happiness, the idea that we aren't really supposed to be happy, we're supposed to suffer here, so that we can be happy "there"... My brother has a theory to which i subscribe that the point of this life is to find happiness and our ability to experience happiness in the next life is predicated on our ability to find it here. That makes this whole guilt thing even more ironic, because it's keeping us from finding what we ultimately want to find and are willing to give up now. (if that made any sense). My goal is to feel no guilt. I believe God would never use guilt as a motivator, He would never put that on us. The thing i've learned about the use of guilt as a motivator is that i'm not going to change the establishment, so I must change myself and find the happiness God has promised me if I do my best. I have to be able to listen to someone's use of guilt to try to get me to perform a task or change a behavior and not let it in. I know I should read my scriptures every day, not to be able to check it off of a list, but because i really do feel better when i do that, but i've chosen not to feel guilty when i don't get to it and to feel satisfied when i do. What a difference it has made in my life. It is no coincidence that Utah is the only state with a depression rate higher than 10%. At the same time, it's a sad statistic, because the very people that claim to have a monopoly on happiness obviously don't, go figure.

Where are you?

I'm not trying to sound like the resident expert on being Mormon, but i'll take my 33 years, 6 months, 22 days and 21 hours, 50 minutes of being one and just tell it like i see it. some might say that those early days of life can't possibly play a part in this, but being mormon starts with birth (even earlier, some might argue). There's a lot about this part of my life that is my life, but i like to think that there is more to me than just being mormon. (in college, i think that was my trait most frequently responsible for my actions). You wonder what you would be without the upbringing you had, i guess everyone wonders that, but it's especially poignant when you're mormon, because it dictates so many of your choices and your ideas and the way you treat people. not to say that all people raised mormon have the same experiences, i guess i'm just speaking for myself. I have spent years saying that the good things about me come from this upbringing, i've had people close to me dispute this assessment and say that i would be those things regardless. i guess there's no way to know. so, i wonder, where am i? where are you? not in a geographical sense, but in a much more impossible-to-quantify spiritual sense? do we do things for spiritual growth or for religious habit? does it matter? i think it does. that's not to say that i'm growing spiritually from one day to the next, or even one year to the next, but i do think it's a question worth asking, especially since the beginning of the year practically forces the better to be ignored self-reflection (at least it feels better to ignore it sometimes). so, again i ask, where am i?