Taking care of me

There are so many ways to neglect yourself. The neglect can be in time not spent caring for oneself. It can be in thought spent worrying about what other people think about us. Or, we often times horribly abuse ourselves becoming emotionally involved in the problems of others, especially problems upon which we can not possibly have any influence. We are very easy to abuse, because self-abuse comes so naturally. When we spend all of our time caring for others (as Christ-like as that sounds) and leave ourselves empty we are actually not following Christ's example. He gave us the model of taking time for Himself. He spent time in the wilderness in communion with the Father, He spent time with people He enjoyed (even when the Pharisees criticized Him for His choice of company). What is our wilderness, where do we fill up? We each need to find that place that is for us. It may be different for every person. I have a few places in the wilderness. Girls' night with my sisters, anytime I can play volleyball and reading a good novel are probably the ones that do the most for me. I believe that in the Lord's admonition in Matthew 25 to serve, he includes us. "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these..." I am the least of these and when I serve myself, when I take care of myself, when I acknowledge that I have feelings, when I understand that I have worth, then I have done the same to my Savior. We must keep ourselves safe from the people that would cause us worry, guilt and shame. Many discussions have occurred in my family centering around the idea of codependency (with its variety of definitions and explanations). The two aspects of codependency of which I have to be the most aware are: letting myself be affected by what other people think and by what other people do. In the church, it is so easy to care what other people think and to compare and to self-criticize. There's no need, the opinions of the people around us really don't matter. What matters is our opinion of ourself. It's a difficult thing to look oneself in the eye and recognize and be able to vocalize things that are good. Most people could easily come up with many of their own faults, but be hard-pressed to think of good qualities and be willing to share them aloud. Involving the other type of codependence I mentioned, people can lay their problems on us, because we let them. when someone shares a problem, our responsibility lies in the sympathy/empathy realm and not solving/internalizing. I can't control what anyone else does (sadly enough, not even my 3-year-old), so why fill my soul with the burden of other people's choices? Looking out for myself first and foremost by maintaining emotional health may to some sound selfish, but therein lies the only way to truly serve others with all of our heart, because it is a whole heart.

Porn

Let's face it, as much as this topic is taboo, it's definitely an issue that needs to be discussed. I think it is such a big issue because it's so taboo. What if a teenage boy, instead of hearing "it's horrible, awful, gross, don't go near it", he heard, "it's totally natural as a teenage boy to want to look at naked girls, here's why that's not such a good idea". Don't you think the results would be very different? i've asked a number of bishops what percentage of active males struggle with pornography and have heard numbers anywhere from 40-70%. Obviously, there's a problem. Is it a problem because it's made out to be such a problem? Does the depth of the taboo make it so that no one can talk about it and no one can get help? Yes, of course it does. A person couldn't stand up and say, "you know, i struggle sometimes with pornography". Why does our society (in the church) disallow that? Open and honest would help so many people not only feel normal (rather than dirty and gross), but like they can learn to change and avoid it, because they're hearing from others that have done the same. Obviously, it would be extremely difficult to have a husband who couldn't help but look at other women naked... i do know that i want my husband to talk to my son so that he can understand the consequences (especially in relationships) and have an honest conversation about how he's going to live his life (so that his wife doesn't have the husband that can't help but look at other naked women.) We would really help ourselves and each other if we recognized and acknowledged a man's natural tendency toward sex and things related. Some might say that I'm condoning the behavior and actually i'm doing the exact opposite, i'm trying to help people avoid the behavior by having enough understanding and self worth to get help if they need it and avoid it altogether when they can (because it can really damage relationships). I do believe that all of the negative consequences that are discussed about pornography do in fact happen: broken homes, failed marriages, infidelity, etc. However, it may become that extreme because there isn't enough honest conversation...or enough conversation, especially with children to help them understand why things are the way they are. For example, (i digress), wouldn't it make a difference in young women's, when we teach about modesty, to tell the girls that when they dress immodestly they can cause boys to have a natural reaction in their body that they can't control? (maybe erection is strong language for young women's). That would be news to almost every girl i know and they would think twice about what they wore. So, open and honest up front is the ounce of prevention that would be worth so much when compared to the pound of trying to cure a porn addiction.

Making a place for homosexuals at church

According to our church, "Merely having inclinations does not disqualify one for any aspect of Church participation or membership" (lds.org). Is that how we as members of the church see it? Would we welcome someone with open arms who is openly gay, but celibate? Would we be okay with that person holding a calling in the Young Women's or Young Men's organization? Would we be okay with that person teaching our 6-year-old in Primary? We should. As of right now, in the typical ward in the church, this person would not be accepted or integrated into the ward. We (most of us), as members of the church, have too many preconceived notions about anyone who feels same-sex attraction. We just look at what we think we know of their lifestyle and judge them to be something terrible. Why wouldn't we want a homosexual who is faithful to the commandments to teach our youth? Is it because we think that all people with who are gay (particularly men) are pedophiles? Will their feelings "rub off"? Are we afraid that they will tarnish our child? I would love to see the day when a person could come to any ward in the church (especially the inter-mountain West ie. Utah or Arizona) and be able to say, "i'm gay, but i want to worship with you and practice this religion as you do" and be welcomed and embraced and loved. I know that there are places where that would happen and many members of the church would say right now that that would be their reaction, given the opportunity. Unfortunately, i don't think that's how it is in most places. think to yourself, how many gay people are in my ward? for most, it would be none...or at least none that we know about. that's the distinction i'm looking for, to be able to be open about one's feelings. i would imagine that in most wards (whether active or on the rosters), there are people with same-sex attraction. why can't they share that struggle (feeling those feelings and deciding to live not acting on those feelings) with all of us? because the idea of same-sex attraction makes most of us extremely nervous. why? obviously, i'm not talking about everyone in the church and you're probably sitting, reading this, and saying to yourself, "i'm not like that, i would just love". If that were the case universally in the church, then we would have people in most wards who could say who they are and what they feel and still be a part of the ward, participating in every aspect. We don't see that. if someone is gay and comes to church, they feel like they must hide how they feel. many don't come at all, because they know how that would be viewed, how they would be treated. This is the gospel of Jesus Christ, which teaches us to love all men, He did. The people struggling along this path are just as precious to our Heavenly Father as you are...they need to be treated that way. there is nothing to be afraid of. we need to love all of God's children, and we need to be able to be honest about our struggles. We all have them. wouldn't it be nice to go to church and look around and know that these people around us are not all perfect...they're just like you, trying to do what's right? that is the point of the gospel of Jesus Christ, to give us as imperfect beings the chance to be what the Lord knows we are capable of being. we need to give that same chance to everyone else.

When those we love leave

Most Mormons, sooner or later, have someone they care about leave the church. You would think they died, and maybe to some Mormons it seems like it would be better if they had. Why can't we love the way God loves-unconditionally? Why do we teach agency and then shun those that exercise it in a way that we oppose? Why must we insist that they can't possibly be happy? How do we know? There are people that, for whatever reason, don't find happiness as members of this church. And it's likely that it's not because they have unresolved sin (the number one reason active mormons will give for people leaving the church). They have as much right to leave as we have to stay. The overwhelming emotion I've seen expressed by those staying in the church,regarding those who are leaving, is sadness. Why can't we be happy for someone's attempt to find peace and happiness? People don't leave the church to ruin their lives, i believe many do it to make them better, to find something they weren't able to find as active members of the church. Have we ever stopped to think that this decision may have been painful and gut-wrenching? Do we think that people make this decision flippantly overnight? Not likely. They have probably been thinking about it for a while, worrying what we would say and finely decided to put themselves first (an important thing to do) and just do it. Wouldn't it be better for us, instead of talking about how hurt, sad, concerned for their soul we are, to ask them how they are coping with the decision and express sympathy for the process? Next time we have someone we love leave, let's try to show them the love the Savior would show.

Too busy

It's so easy to be a busy mormon. All you have to do is live like a run-of-the-mill active mormon and you've pretty much got it. That in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It's when the "church stuff" takes up all your time and there's no time left for the spiritual stuff that really matters. You could run around all day doing church stuff, feeling very righteous and not be doing anything to grow spiritually, not having any lasting, meaningful impact on your own salvation. The problem with that is that you might not even realize that's what is happening. The greatest culprit is a calling...you could spend so much time fulfilling a calling that you don't do anything meaningful for your own personal relationship with God and you don't take the time needed for your family. I decided when i got called to work in young women's that my goal would be to spend as little time as possible. That may sound horrible to some, but i have a husband and children that need as much time as i can give them. The same goes for a lot of the things we do in church. Those things that people expect, but are non-essential. (as long as i'm going to young women's activities once a week, i put enrichment in that category). i don't want to be away from my family. Too many times, i've seen the damage that can be done when church responsibilities take us away more than they should. We have a responsibility to fulfill a calling that we have accepted, but we have a bigger responsibility to ourselves, our spouse and our kids. It's easy to believe that you are living a righteous life just because you are very busy with church stuff.

Guilt

Why is it that depression rates are higher in Utah than any other state? Why is it that we who profess to have the most access to a life of happiness, live unhappily and unfulfilled and depressed? Why is it that a person can do everything they're "supposed to" and still not find peace? I would say the number one reason is guilt. It is never feeling like we've done enough, because there's always more to do. We could always read more, pray more, go to the temple more, give more of our time, do more compassionate service, visit teach more, home teach more, say more in class, read the lessons more, have family home evening more...There is built-in institutional guilt. It is the motivator used by many leaders to get us to do the "right thing". Why not follow Christ's example and use love instead? Why do leaders think that the best way to get us to visit teach or home teach is to guilt us into it and make us feel like we are single-handedly responsible for another person's eventual destination to be hell. Why not just love us and credit us with the things we are able to accomplish? We've all seen the lists of what a Mormon woman is "supposed" to do. I, for one can't sew and rarely bake. Will this keep me from achieving what i want to with my life? That's the other thing that can keep us from happiness, the idea that we aren't really supposed to be happy, we're supposed to suffer here, so that we can be happy "there"... My brother has a theory to which i subscribe that the point of this life is to find happiness and our ability to experience happiness in the next life is predicated on our ability to find it here. That makes this whole guilt thing even more ironic, because it's keeping us from finding what we ultimately want to find and are willing to give up now. (if that made any sense). My goal is to feel no guilt. I believe God would never use guilt as a motivator, He would never put that on us. The thing i've learned about the use of guilt as a motivator is that i'm not going to change the establishment, so I must change myself and find the happiness God has promised me if I do my best. I have to be able to listen to someone's use of guilt to try to get me to perform a task or change a behavior and not let it in. I know I should read my scriptures every day, not to be able to check it off of a list, but because i really do feel better when i do that, but i've chosen not to feel guilty when i don't get to it and to feel satisfied when i do. What a difference it has made in my life. It is no coincidence that Utah is the only state with a depression rate higher than 10%. At the same time, it's a sad statistic, because the very people that claim to have a monopoly on happiness obviously don't, go figure.

Where are you?

I'm not trying to sound like the resident expert on being Mormon, but i'll take my 33 years, 6 months, 22 days and 21 hours, 50 minutes of being one and just tell it like i see it. some might say that those early days of life can't possibly play a part in this, but being mormon starts with birth (even earlier, some might argue). There's a lot about this part of my life that is my life, but i like to think that there is more to me than just being mormon. (in college, i think that was my trait most frequently responsible for my actions). You wonder what you would be without the upbringing you had, i guess everyone wonders that, but it's especially poignant when you're mormon, because it dictates so many of your choices and your ideas and the way you treat people. not to say that all people raised mormon have the same experiences, i guess i'm just speaking for myself. I have spent years saying that the good things about me come from this upbringing, i've had people close to me dispute this assessment and say that i would be those things regardless. i guess there's no way to know. so, i wonder, where am i? where are you? not in a geographical sense, but in a much more impossible-to-quantify spiritual sense? do we do things for spiritual growth or for religious habit? does it matter? i think it does. that's not to say that i'm growing spiritually from one day to the next, or even one year to the next, but i do think it's a question worth asking, especially since the beginning of the year practically forces the better to be ignored self-reflection (at least it feels better to ignore it sometimes). so, again i ask, where am i?