Expectations

almost all of us just want to be happy, or at least content. it seems so simple and yet it is so elusive. many people attribute their lack of happiness to some lack they find in someone close to them, like it's not their fault they're not happy. i would submit that the greatest source of malcontent in our lives is unmet expectations. whether those expectations are of ourselves, our spouses, our kids, our parents, our friends or our employers, they are the root of unhappiness. am i saying to lower your standards? to some extent, yes. some would argue that to lower our standard of expectation for a loved one would invite even less performance from them. i beg to differ. i believe a lowering of expectations frees a person to perform to the best of their ability, which is really all we can ask of anyone anyway. the problem with an expectation is that it dictates to our minds what to expect oftentimes without having a basis in reality.
the victim of expectations to whom we can do the most damage is ourself. expecting all of the things we think we should be accomplishing blinds us to the things that we are achieving and leaves us feeling increasingly insignificant. it is easy as a man or woman in today's world to heap so many expectations on ourselves that we become paralyzed trying to accomplish them.
a parent expects a certain grade from a child in the child's math class. not every brain grasps the concepts of math and not every child will get an 'A'. That expectation can cripple a child as he fears failure and is unable to relax and learn. he know that negative consequences accompany that unmet expectation and he does not want to disappoint his parents. at the same time, trying his absolute best involving studying and outside help he gets a 'B' (an incredible achievement for this particular child in this particular class) and must go home to face recrimination and accusation. this may seem like a minor example, but it will effect the child's math career and possibly entire academic career as he realizes that his very best effort just isn't enough for his parents.
it becomes even more destructive in a relationship with a spouse. when i expect my husband to do certain things, there is no recognition of him actually having done something, just a fulfilled expectation. how much more enjoyable would married life be if we didn't expect anything and as a result were constantly surprised and grateful for the small acts of kindness performed by our spouse? again, some would argue that lowering expectations would engender a decrease in desired activity. this is simply not true because it is human nature to try to please those we love. if those efforts are rewarded, we try even harder. if we don't reward behavior because it was just expected, we diminish the motivation to do more or even do as much as we did. just be happy with whatever happens on valentine's day and recognize that the other 364 days are a better indication of someone's love. just know that expecting a clean house when you get home won't make it happen, but noticing it might. children want so much to make us proud of them, but their energies will find other outlets if we never recognize their best efforts. "best effort" means something different for every person. imagine a world where we acknowledged the things people do and didn't just expect it.